Introductory Summary
This document is an attempt to outline what Frolic ~ A Play Party Community Convergence expects regarding the awareness of power as it relates to volunteers, staff, and leads. We aim to help people become aware of and calibrate for power differentials, and while it’s focus is on the people who have more power, it’s relevant to everyone involved. It will also give a run-down of the staff involved, their roles and responsibilities, as well as significant relationships they have with each other.
Like the Altered States Protocols, our framework is based on the work of William Winters (william@bonobonetwork.com) & Misha Bonaventura (misha@bonobonetwork.com) of Bonobo Network, you can find their open source Consent & Accountability Policy here: https://bit.ly/bonobonetworkconsentpolicy. They have shared their documents as part of the creative commons and we love their sexy brains!
We explicitly are aware and condone that anyone in our organization may have romantic and/or sexual relationships with Frolic participants or staff. However, if one does engage in a sexual or romantic relationship, it is imperative to consider the impact of power dynamics. A cohesive, connected, and safe(r) environment is more important than romantic/sexual relationships between Frolic participants, and any behavior or relationship that contributes to people feeling pressured, less informed, or misinformed in our work environment will be addressed directly. Frolic has a no-tolerance policy for any abuse of power on the part of staff members or volunteers.
Oppressive power imbalances emerge when one or more individuals have structural, experiential, and/or positional power that can affect another individual’s ability to participate in the event and community that forms before and after the event.
Team members that engage in relationships where the power imbalance becomes problematic will receive feedback and coaching, and may be dismissed from the event if they do not amend their behavior and reconcile any harm done.
Important guidelines to follow:
- Use clear language to explain what you’re interested in.
- Approach the other person in a neutral context when they’re not performing job duties.
- Give them a clear opportunity to respond without any incentives or repercussions.
- Disclose and discuss any potential power dynamics between you two, how you’ll account for them, and how you’ll handle things if you encounter a problem.
- Seek outside advice if you’re unsure how to navigate a situation or power dynamic.
- If you see something, say something.
Frolic will have an incident form for reporting issues at the highest leadership level that goes to our outside ombudsman.
Reference Guide (Terms & Definitions)
Power
- The capacity or ability to influence or affect another person’s behavior or the course of events.
Person of Power
- An individual who has power as a result of structural or organizational dynamics.
- This document is focused on Frolic team members, and the ways in which their official relationship gives them power over others in certain circumstances.
Power Imbalance
- A situation where one individual has power over another in a context relevant to both parties, and where that power could be used to the detriment of one or both parties.
Destructive Power Dynamic
- A situation where one individual has power over another and uses that power (intentionally or unintentionally) to influence the experience or circumstances of the less-empowered individual for personal reasons.
- This excludes appropriate uses of power to maintain boundaries, enforce conduct, or provide feedback/discipline as part of executing staff duties.
Power-Informed Relationship Conversations
- Intentional discussions where two individuals address an existing power imbalance in order to avoid creating a destructive power dynamic.
- This includes:
- Naming existing and potential power dynamics.
- Naming how they might handle matters if the relationship experiences challenges or ends, including specific agreements around protocols and future actions.
- Clarifying boundaries of the relationship to ensure both parties have a shared understanding of their dynamic.
- Being willing and able to receive support through therapy/coaching/external support if they encounter difficulties.
Power peer
- Someone who has enough of their own power awareness to have the ability to consensually enter into an intimate relationship with another person of power.
Context
The intention of Frolic is to bring together play party leaders across the U.S. and their selected community members who would be an appropriate fit for a sexually informed, liberated, and consensual event.
Frolic is a community where sexual freedom and play are valued and welcomed. This means that non-platonic relating is built into the fabric of our community — in particular, non-platonic relationships between individuals are likely and will not be discouraged. Instead, we seek to establish a common set of best practices that will encourage healthy non-platonic relationships that proactively takes into account potential pitfalls such as power dynamics, in-groups, and control. This document attempts to outline how to thrive in a community where all aspects of intimate relationships are available.
We believe that it is possible to have power aware intimate relationships among adults holding power differentials with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved if you are a Power Peer (see definition above). This document will attempt to outline how to assess if another person is a power peer and give clarity on the policies that Frolic holds to create a framework in case a destructive power dynamic (see above chart) comes into play.
| Relationship Spectrum | ||
| Healthy | Unhealthy | Abusive |
| Communicative | Non-communicative | Aggressive or Passive Aggressive communication |
| Respectful | Disrespectful | Mistreatment |
| Trusting | Untrustworthy | Gaslighting/manipulative |
| Honest | Oblique/Omission | Lying |
| Responsible team player | Overly enmeshed/overly independent | Disorganized, avoidant or stagnant |
| Clear boundaries | Pressuring | Assault |
Motivation
The motivation behind this policy is to create an environment of power awareness, communication, and transparency that helps everyone navigate non-platonic relationships as best as possible. If Frolic staff choose to engage in non-platonic relationships, we want to support all parties (including other non-involved individuals) against being adversely impacted by those relationships or any consequences of them.
This policy is designed to make it more likely that we’re able to maintain high-trust, high-integrity relationships while working on our transformative mission. Workplace and community policies generally don’t account for and often explicitly forbid consensual non-platonic relationships between colleagues. Rather than attempt to ignore, discourage, or forbid non-platonic relationships and only react when an issue arises, Frolic provides the following policies and guidelines designed to offer tools and support to proactively integrate non-platonic relationships into the community in a high-integrity way.
Policies and Guidelines
These policies and guidelines will be circulated among all Frolic team members. All team members must be familiar with these guidelines, and under no circumstances should pursue a non-platonic relationship without first reviewing them in detail.
- Autonomy: The employees, contractors, volunteers, and associates of Frolic are entirely autonomous in their individual sexualities and romantic interests. Their individual thoughts, behaviors, and impulses around sexuality are entirely independent from the business of the organization and at no time in any way constitute a matter of the organization’s interest unless those behaviors are directly harmful to the people who are involved.
- Sexual Context and Content: Even for Frolic team members who are not pursuing a non-platonic relationship, it is common for members of our community to share sexually explicit content, share vulnerabilities about romantic and sexual topics, be naked or have sex alongside each other, and/or be metamours. It would be impossible to keep sexually explicit content out of the event.
- Remain professional when working: Non-platonic relationships among coworkers can cause distraction, drama, and exhaustion, or can even be unethical or unlawful if they cross over into harassment. In general, we expect professional behavior during work hours or when on shift. The exception would be during an event after the main duties have been completed. If on duty, work always supersedes any play activity and leads can always be interrupted for the needs of the event.
- Ask for consent: When working and in a professional role, it’s not the place for others to non-consensually hear about or see images of other organization members’ romantic or sexual activities, desires, or fantasies. Asking for consent before sharing is appropriate in this situation.
- Speak up if another staff member causes discomfort: If a team member is sharing too much in regard to their romantic or sexual activities, desires, or fantasies, another team member (whether or not they are personally offended) should feel comfortable letting the person know (either in the moment or privately at a later time or request help from a colleague or business partner) that sexually explicit commentary or sexual suggestion, commentary or behavior is unwanted and distracting.
External Reporting
Team members should actively encourage feedback when sharing attraction, especially when there may be a power dynamic at play. In the event of an issue, Frolic works with an outside ombudsman who can help navigate situations where direct feedback may feel unproductive or unsafe.
Repair
If you establish a healthy relationship that encounters conflict or comes to an end, it’s critical to engage in repair to ensure that both parties feel safe participating in the organization. Power dynamics can add a layer of tension that can make unclear situations feel threatening, and intentional repair can return the relationship to a place of clarity and mutual trust (even if the relationship is not fully restored).
Good repair entails having a clearing conversation where both parties discuss their experience and reflect on what they need to continue sharing space (including potentially resuming the relationship) with each other. Once needs have been shared, the parties negotiate a mutually acceptable solution and try to meet their commitments in good faith.
Recusal
There are times when someone has structural power in a way that is difficult to negotiate, or creates an impression of an unhealthy power dynamic for others. If a situation emerges where one individual is given significant power over another, such that it is very difficult to manage that power without creating a conflict of interest, recusal is a useful tool.
When recusing themselves, the individual with power creates intentional separation between themselves and the situation, decision, or tool that gives them power over the other person. This can mean giving that responsibility to another, non-involved person or it can mean restructuring the situation such that no one has that level of power any longer.
Consultation
If at any time you feel unsure about how to proceed or whether you have sufficiently addressed potential power dynamics in one of your relationships, you should reach out to a member of the Frolic Leadership team or the ombudsman to get support. More transparency around potential power conflicts and the steps we’re taking to mitigate them help all of us learn and grow, and reduces the likelihood of a surprise escalation.
Non-Platonic Relationships involving Staff Members
As part of thoughtfully navigating power dynamics, keep in mind that not everyone feels safe candidly expressing concerns, frustrations, or hesitation when dealing with someone who they perceive as having power over them. This can lead to asymmetrical relationships, even when everyone has the right intentions and orientation. If you think you have power over someone you’re interested in, clearly articulate your interest and create plenty of room for them to say no — even if that feels like over-communicating.
Outside of unethical or inappropriate behavior, we expect that team members will be able to keep working with each other despite any relationship conflict, up to and including separation. Make sure you engage with intention and consider how your actions will affect your work environment for both of you.
Organizational members seeking to open a non-platonic relationship with another team member or associate shall follow these guidelines:
- Do not engage in romantic or sexual conversation while focused on work duties. Instead, ask them if they would like to join you when they’re done with their responsibilities. In order to support team members having a safe and comfortable work environment and to clearly distinguish between harassment and interest, make sure you do not pursue non-platonic relationships while either of you are performing work duties.
- Pay attention and be responsive to the response you receive. Asking once is asking, asking twice is checking, asking three times is harassment. Outside of work hours, be clear that you’re interested in them and are asking for a date. If they say no or evade your invitation, please deescalate politely. An appropriate reply may be, “Thank you for taking care of yourself, I won’t broach the subject again unless you approach me.” By taking the intermediary step of a casual, friendly, brief encounter, you allow the person to fully maintain their professional persona and focus in the workplace.
- Avoid sexual affection or sharing intimate details with others while working. Be mindful that your other coworkers are trying to focus on their professional responsibilities. While likely well-intentioned, unwelcome or non-consensual sexual intimacy (either physical or verbal) could create a hostile work environment for someone else. Non-platonic relationships should be pursued outside of working hours. Once main duties are over and the event is underway, non-platonic interactions are welcome.
- Do not exhibit favoritism toward your workplace interest, including in seemingly benign ways. We expect all our team members to treat all coworkers and members with respect and consideration regardless of their out-of-work relationships.
- Maintain responsibility for your role in the organization and expect your non-platonic partner to treat you first and foremost as a coworker while at work.
Summary
Pursuing attraction, desire, or romantic interest among co-workers or between Frolic staff and participants can be fraught with complications and can lead to physical, moral, and legal harms. However, ‘zero-tolerance’ abstinence policies are unrealistic where the social and professional lines are blurred, as in our line of work. Normative company policies are often well-intentioned to protect the company and its workers but don’t account for biological and social impulses combined with a company culture steeped in sex positivity and open relating. Our organization wants to empower our team with guidelines and policies allowing them to manage sexuality amongst consenting adults in ways that minimize risks to organizational culture and connection.
We believe that if two people are attracted to each other and can have an explicit, clear, power-informed conversation (tools for this conversation are at the end of this document) and decide to move forward with a relationship there is room for such a relationship within the bounds of this organization. Partnership, dating, and hooking-up all have different implications to the meaning making and vulnerabilities of all parties.
Power Aware Considerations
These are considerations for individual or co-created use to create a clear discussion and transparency of power dynamics inside a relationship.
- What is the reporting relationship between participants? If you’re in a direct reporting relationship, can you create a new reporting structure?
- What are overlapping or intersecting work responsibilities?
- What are the power dynamics at play? How can you influence each other and what are danger zones?
In group work, because no two group members have exactly the same resources, each member operates from a different power base. People develop power in a group because they can provide or render service to that group through information, expertise, rewards, and punishment; or because they have been elected or appointed; or because they are well liked or have status in the group.
Reward Power
Coercive Power
Legitimate Power
Referent Power
Expert Power
Informational Power
Earned Power
Political Power
Social Power
Destructive Influence: Bullying and Charisma
What is your ‘interpersonal influence’ (ideal power balance)?
Foreseeable challenges to the work/mission? What are the boundaries around work and relating that make sense?
What potential conflicts of interest exist or could be perceived to exist?
Do either of you know the structure of your relationship? Is the structure still being discovered? How will you name when escalation is occurring? How will you name when you want to deescalate?
What will happen when/if conflict arises? What are your conflict agreements? What will happen if one or both of you no longer want to engage in the intimate relationship?
An explicit and clear conversation has these elements remembered by the acronym RBDSM:
- Relationship(s) each of you are in,
- personal and relational Boundaries (including if you have boundaries around your power dynamic),
- Desire,
- Sexual health,
- Meaning that each of you make about the relationship connection, and
- any aftercare needed either for the one time connection or as you progress and deepen your relationship.
Organizational Structure & Transparency
The following personnel are the staff for this event, and have read and understood this document. For the sake of transparency and naming internal power dynamics, we’ve provided a list of all staff at the event (everyone who is getting paid), as well as a run-down of prior relationships and other important considerations.
✓ Dave Booda — Principal Organizer/Owner
✓ Misha Bonaventura — Executive Producer
✓ William Winters — Executive Producer
✓ Reid Mihalko — Producer
✓ Irene Morning — Producer
✓ Hazel-Grace Yates — Producer
✓ Major Tom Daily — Producer
✓ Marlon Williams — Producer
✓ Bre Reilly — Volunteer Coordinator
✓ Vicki Binder — Production Assistant/Volunteer Coordinator
✓ Alden Hozouri — Registration Coordinator
✓ Itai Isenberg — Performer
Dave Booda is the owner of this event, he is financially liable to the hotel, the event is running under a single member Limited Liability Company he owns, and he is ultimately responsible for anything that happens.
Dave is collaborating with seven other community organizers, which are getting paid a percentage of the overall profit. All eight organizers (including Dave) will be responsible for being a liaison to their respective communities, as well as all programming, facilitating, teaching and planning. They have been meeting regularly and making decisions together, with Dave holding final decision making responsibility.
Misha Bonaventura and William Winters are considered “Executive Producers” because they’ve been more closely involved with the backbone of the event, and have been advising Dave on many of the core decisions. Thus, their compensation is at a higher tier than the other producers. Misha and William are business partners who collectively run the Bonobo Network.
Reid Mihalko, Irene Morning, Hazel-Grace Yates, Major Tom Daily and Marlon Williams are considered “producers” and will be contributing in various ways, including teaching, facilitating, party planning, protocols, space design, etc…
Bre Reilly, Vicki Binder and Alden Hozouri are considered “staff” for the event and have specific jobs such as volunteer coordination and registration, they’re being paid a flat rate. Alden and Bre are close friends with Dave Booda, Dave and Vicki were primary partners for three years from 2020-2022 and still play essential roles in each other’s lives. Bre and Alden are primary romantic partners.
Itai Isenberg is the primary romantic partner of Irene Morning and was hired by the event to perform music.
In addition to the major relationships between staff that have been listed above, there have been and continue to be many other connections over the years, varying from sexual, to business, to friendships. There are too many to list, but if you have any questions we’re happy to share more, feel free to email Dave.
References
Stealing Fire: Peak States and Ethical Cults’ Jamie Wheal